I Know I Am a Bad Friend

I love people. When I was younger and got over my dream of growing up to be Britney Spears, I actually wanted to be a manicurist. No, not a cosmetologist, just a manicurist. Yes, I enjoyed nail polish like many 7 year olds, but I wanted the interaction. That idea of doing something for someone and making them feel good. I wanted to be around people all day, everyday. Now, when I go to the nail salon I pray no one talks to me, so I am not really sure when that change occurred.

Most everything seemed easier when we were too young to feel guilty. Even though I still love people as much or even more than I did back then, it isn’t easy to show people how much I love them. Recently, I have felt like there aren’t enough words I can say and aren’t enough hours to do so.

I forget things. I show up late or cancel at the last-minute. I almost never show up to spontaneous outings. I have an idea of what kind of person I want to be in my head for my family, for my coworkers, for my boyfriend, for all of my closest friends. At the end of the day, I sometimes feel like I only had the energy and brainpower to get up and go to work, and I really didn’t even do that right.

I don’t want to be the person who blames all my issues on something I feel I cannot control. I know I am an introvert at heart because it takes a lot of energy and planning to go out and do something socially one night a week. It’s something I struggle with everyday. However, I am working on that and have tried to be more conscious of sometimes that lack of energy is actual internal fear of being outside of my house.

So this is my open letter to all of my friends in my life.

I know I cancel last-minute. I plan things prior and then I hit a bad day, and I don’t want to burden you with my bad mood.

I know I don’t show up to hang outs as often as the others in the group. Sometimes I get in a funk where I just want to be alone and not leave the house, and social interaction sounds exhausting.

I know I don’t ask about your life as much. I get caught up in my own day to-day activities. I wish I talked to every person I love dearly every day and remind them how much they mean to me and get caught up about everything that’s going on in their lives. You may think I am saying this sarcastically because that sounds very dramatic, but it is the truth.

I wish I could be everything my friends are to me. I wish I asked more questions. I wish I listened more. I wish I hugged you more. I wish I was just in general more. 

Just know if you call, I will answer. If you need someone to bring over seven bottles of wine and cry about how life is unfair and how stupid texting etiquette is, I am your girl.

I’m trying, but some days aren’t as good as others.

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