Everything is just…ending. I just feel like everything is gonna be over. I’m done at the paper. Soon I’m gonna be done at Yale, and it’s just like I’m standing on this cliff, looking out into this huge, foggy…Like, a huge, foggy abyss, and, in my whole life, there’s never been an abyss. It’s been abyssless. I’ve always known exactly what is in front of me, and I’ve always known exactly where I’m going, and now…I don’t know what’s out there. [Besides] a ton of fog, and I hate not knowing what is out there. I mean, what’s going to happen to my career and my relationship with Logan and the rest of my life? [Sighs] I have no idea what I’m doing. – Rory Gilmore, Gilmore Girls
In my two month span of binge watching Gilmore Girls, I remember coming to this episode where Rory is realizing she is graduating college and starts having a mental breakdown and thinking “This. This is what I have been feeling.” In that moment, I realized entertainment really is around to help us relate to each other and to get through hard times.
But it also made me think about the fears that had been plaguing my mind which wasn’t the most fun I’ve ever had. Things were changing. For the last four years, I knew what was coming next. Another year of college, another group project I was going to procrastinate on, another awkward pizza date, another night of talking about how poor I am. When you are in your college years, you kind of forget that they will eventually end. You forget that you went to college to go further in your life and career, and this is the first stepping stone. You are going to have to jump soon. It doesn’t hit you until it hits you out of the blue and harder than you could have ever imagined.
When your life has had such a structured pattern for so long, it’s easy to just assume you will have it all of your life. I could easily say “I’m going to get an internship in Atlanta and then eventually get a job there.” Unlike saying “I’m going to college at GC next year” while holding my acceptance letter, I can’t say I’m going to go to work in Atlanta with hundreds of resumes tightly gripped in my hands. It isn’t the same. Yes, that is the goal. Yes, I will be working very hard to make that dream come true. However, everything is up in the air, and I’m once again too dang short to grab it.
When things are changing, my first reaction is to try to control everything. I hold on so tightly to people and situations that my knuckles are bloody, and my grip leaves bruises on my victim. The tighter you hold on to the reins when they are slipping out of your hands, the more severe the rope burn. I’ve never needed to be in control of my life more in my life, and that’s why I have to let go of the reins.
I have to realize that I have worked hard, and I have made my goals, and I am going to work towards those goals, but I’m not going to know what is going to happen until it does. Sitting on my bathroom floor thinking about every scenario that could happen today, tomorrow, next week doesn’t change my situation. I’m still sitting on the floor of my bathroom looking like a panicked child who accidentally flushed her mother’s watch down the toilet.
So, enjoy the moments of confusion. Enjoy the moments of freedom from making plans. Enjoy spontaneity. Enjoy obliviousness. Enjoy it all because it will change in an instant. Let go of the reins and see where it takes you.