I Couldn’t Wait to Be Patient.

For as long as I can remember, I never wanted to wait for anything. Who really does? The process of waiting involves high anxiety, sweat, twitching, and running through every possible scenario in your head. Once whatever it was had occurred, I would be left empty. All the nerve-wrenching apprehension built this moment up, whether negatively or positively, and in an instant it was over. I didn’t realize that I was creating this emotional roller coaster in which I journeyed from indifferent to overly nervous to uneasy to relieved.
This lack of patience followed me into college where it blossomed into the size of my world literature book. (Trust me, that was pretty big.) I twitched and readjusted in my chair waiting for my classes to be released. I would text my friends to see what they were doing for lunch, wouldn’t get a response in five minutes, then jump to the conclusion that they were out doing things without me. My Friday nights would be sitting around staring at my phone, anxiously awaiting a text that would decide my plans. I couldn’t even wait for my clothes to dry in the laundry room without checking its status every few minutes to make sure I didn’t miss the beep. Why the HECK couldn’t I just wait for the timer to go off? Why couldn’t I shoot a text and continue with my book as my friends replied? (Which they always would the moment I decided to ditch them in my impatient spontaneity.) Why couldn’t I just enjoy my lazy Friday night instead of aggressively searching the social circle for a party I must be missing? If I could go back and sit my high-strung self down I would simply say, “Breathe. Calm down. When the time comes, it will happen. Yeah, even your laundry. It has a freaking timer for a reason, Kim.”
This year has been different for me. With a heavy amount of work and the stress of trying to do everything on time and perfectly, I have developed patience for things my 17-year-old self would cringe at. When there is a line at Starbucks, I wait without fidgeting. When I have a test, I study as much as I can and relax, knowing I have done as much as I could have to ensure my grade. Sometimes I am so patient with waiting for a friend to answer my text or steeping my tea, I have to remind myself of the tasks I’m waiting on. Yes, forgetfulness is not better than impatience, but I am balancing the two.
Sometimes I will just get this wave of peace. It has happened quite a few times over the last few months. I have had a stressful day and my to-do list is miles long, but I’m calm. I know everything will get done in due time, and all I can do is what I can.
Patience came to me when I realized nothing comes from worry, anxiousness or hyperventilating. Well, besides a headache. I am a firm believer in hard work and making your own dreams come true, but I also believe that things work out how they were meant to. I like to think I’m never waiting for anything, just breathing and living and forgetting to drink the tea I steeped two hours ago.


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